I waited 18 years to get everything I asked for..and it all gets taken back..

i wish to feel smaller under your sheets

“And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
Though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
Down your pants.
And I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As you lift up my shirt after asking politely”

All I want is someone I can actually trust. 

.

I thought I knew you

everything inside of me is crumbling

i thought you could fix everything

i am the kind of broken that i can’t fix by myself

if there was only something i could say to bring you back

the only thing i can think of is what took you away

my emotions have the best of me

you have the best of me

and you’re taking it all with you

How am I supposed to talk when I can’t articulate anything to you?

There’s something about telling someone everything about you and then getting you’re heart torn into a million tiny pieces by that person that makes you never want to talk about things again. Here I am in a relationship that I, me-the one who has always wanted and dreamed about love-, am holding back because I can’t let go of what has happened in my past. Maybe because once I talk to him there’s no getting it back, there’s no un-telling him. It’s the point of no return. And who am I to say he’ll react like my ex? No one. But then again who am I to say he won’t? I’m just beginning to feel the seams loosening and breaking and I just don’t know how much longer I can take it without telling him or breaking up with him…and both are terrifying because I already care about him a lot. writing this all out isn’t helping that much, what’s gonna help is talking to him. but i can’t figure out what to say. “Hey, I’m really fucked up and have a lot of baggage for an 18 year old that grew up in such a good family life.”

the process of love is a funny thing.

so many ups so many downs

your stomach does flips, your heart skips

you get nervous, you get confident

your hazy your crystal clear

i miss being able to be completely open with no fear.

I’ve been having a really easy time talking to someone who I would’ve never expected to be so comfortable with.

Five years. The absolute soonest I’ll see you free is in five years. I’m ready to sleep for five years.

Friends with benefits.

A list of things fwbs don’t/shouldn’t do. No particular order.

Go out just the two of you. Cuddle long after sex. Play with eachothers hands. Kiss goodbye, even if you’re just hanging out…in front of friends. Get jealous over eachother. Text constantly.

I think you get the point…since April when me and Chase broke up I’ve been hooking up with this guy on a pretty regular basis. He hasn’t been with anyone else since then. I only did a few times and stopped in May. We hang out every night with eachothers friends, we go out just us..and he does all the before mentioned things. And I developed a thing for him when we started hanging out with him all the time. I told him, doesn’t want a relationship….okay. So stop acting like you do, jerkwad.

Everything about him makes me go insane.

i just wanna know

I just wanna know what its like to be happy and it not get ruined.

How many more times will I sacrifice myself for the happiness of someone else?

Could I possibly be doomed to the fate of always feeling rejected?

Can’t I just once, have something that I see other people have?

How much more can I really take? Was this the breaking point?

Is this it? Am I done? Am I officially turned upside down for the rest of my life?

Is this the last time I have to feel this way?

Whether it be because the next time I’m with someone he’ll be the one to give as much as I do, or because I just shut off my feelings and don’t let anyone close to me in that way ever again?

Guess we’ll find out, here comes the raid..

prom night for the misfits

the feel of my dress taken off of me,

the blood behind your lips,

the fire between the two of us

two misfits

never thought i’d feel the rush

of a prom night’s touch

High School stereotypes never felt so right.

I realized today how much the past hinders the present..

I’m ruining the best relationship I’ve ever had because I’m too stuck on what happened. Even though deep inside I know Chase would never screw me over, in anyway close to how Josh did, I can’t get over the trust issues I have. I just need time I guess, but I don’t want to take the time..I guess the best idea is while he’s away let him be away and not text him.. ever. Until he texts me or even when he does. Maybe I need to go away for a while…who knows.